I was ready to run to the traintracks or the bridge, I was outside my garden last night with a cigarette, debating how I will kill myself. I decided it would be too noticeable to run in the night so I went back inside feeling ashamed and let down by myself. I saw my two sharp blades and remembered how sharp they were, I thought of slicing my wrists open and thats what I did, I remember seeing these dark blue purple ish lines just beneath the yellow bubbly fat pouring out. There was very little blood, I realised I missed veins and ateries and I wasn't bleeding quick enough, I went to my parents and they took me to hospital. I had felt a little better but now I feel so numb again and I want to do it more and more. It was the deepest I had gone, requiring 16 stiches.
I'm so done, this is the last night. I kill myself tonight and that's final. It's my decision, I was planning on doing it for the past few days now but I'm going to take pills and go to the train tracks for the morning train. I'm going to hope this works because it's all I have left. I haven't been taking my daily meds the past few days and I think I'm really risky now. I don't want to live, nobody will miss me, nobody cares. The world keeps turning. Thankyou all for reading my blog the past couple months, or maybe i'll survive and be put in A&E. As per fucking usual.
I feel so trapped and locked away from everyone. Like I can't be who I really want to be. I feel so stuck with who I am. My gender, sexuality, identity. I can't be what I want because I fear how others would react. Maybe I should just die this way. I don't want to live as somebody who I'm not. I don't want to live this way, fitting in with 'standards'. I don't like pretending to be 'normal'. I'm far from that. I don't think I could ever tell people how I really feel and who I really am. I think that's the worst thing ever.
So I got back with my girlfriend, who happens to have broke up with me on Monday. Anyways she tried killing herself that day but now she's fine and we're back together. She travelled 100 mile to see me today because we both live at the opposite side of Ireland. However she managed to repay the favour and visit me this time. We spent the day but no action or anything because we both had flashbacks and I stopped taking my medication now. I'm experiencing the side effects. After leaving her to her family, I hugged her and walked away shamefully. No idea why. Walking out of the shopping center I saw my old friend I haven't seen in years. I'd talked for about 10 seconds and walked away in a quick pace. Mopments later this boy started shouting at me, about half my size. He said "why are you giving me dirty looks?" I couldn't tell him I look everyone in the eyes because of my anxiety and paranoia. He wouldn't understand. So I quickly said "What?" and walked away fast. I have a hickey on my shoulder now and I know my parents will find out real soon. I also didn't eat today and lost my cigarrettes which bothors me. I feel like I shouldn't be alive. I'm such a socially awkward person and can't deal with interactions with other people. I had such a bad time and I'm sure my flashbacks ruined it for her. I can tell she regrets coming here in the first place. Fuck my life.
I have honestly given up hope now. I'm going to start refusing my meds in total. I'm only going to eat one meal a day which will make me lose weight. I'm going to refuse going to CAMHS. I'm going to stop texting my friends too. I'm going to isolate myself completely from everyone, lie about how I'm feeling. I don't want help or need help. I feel like a lost cause and I'm wasting everyones time, I am suffering being alive. I don't need nothing or anyone in my life. Put me out of my misery please.
Remeber I said I couldn't feel any worse in one of my blog posts? I was so wrong, it gets far worse. Two people I know attempted suicide, one is back into the psychiatric hospital. The one that kissed my ex in front of me. My girlfriend dumped me today, I am doing awful in my exams and now it's just falling apart. I have nothing or nobody to live for. I don't even feel my family loves me anymore. I feel alone and useless and worthless and stupid. I get those recurrant thoughts everyday, now I've got flashbacks creeping up on me again now too. I am so sick and tired of living this way. I don't think I can finish this week alive. I'm going to wait and see what happens next. The doctors mentionoed going back to the psychiatric hospital nearby. It's an hour away from home. I don't want to go but it helped last time for a short time then I was back into feeling suicidal and awful about myself again. I can't keep doing this honestly. I have nothing.
Sleeping is probably one of my biggest issues, my depression and overthinking causes me to lay awake at night, stare at the ceiling and feel numb. I take Melatonin 2mg every night, it's useless. I either sleep too much or not at all. I don't think I've felt well rested in weeks. I dream of jumping in front of trains, how sad is it? Dreaming of suicide. Anyways I feel that it's not going to change for quite some time, I need to increase my sleeping pills or change them, it's not fair laying awake every single night, either feeling nothing or feeling too much. My life has no balance whatsoever
I've been feeling lonely the past few weeks, I have a girlfriend. However I still feel so alone. I just can't shake off that feeling of lonliness and isolation. I'm on my own now, I've learned to do what I shouldn't, bottle up feelings. If your reading this you should know that doing this is not right and talking is far better! However I, am a huge hyprocrite. Everyday I stay in bed and debate and argue to myself wjhether or not to get up and live on, I am so so close to going back to the train tracks to finish it all off. I really want to do this and It's the only thing left I look forward to.
So to make things even worse, I'm starving myself for the whole month of June, I'm hoping I will lose weight, hopefully it works! I'm going to drink plenty of water too. I'm such a fucking idiot for doing this but I've only got this month and next month left to live. So really I got nothing to lose! I've always felt awful about my weight and it just keeps increasing, I can't exercise because I have no energy or motivation to do so. Starvation is better for me because it is self destructive too, I don't encourage anyone to do it.
Who Am I?
I’m a 19 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.