I've been thinking alot, and realised I don't want my life to go the way it is at the moment. I want to change things. I'm going to change things! It's going to be almost impossible but I have to give it one more go. I have to give it all my strenght and energy, everything I have left. I can't keep going on like this. It's time to stop. I want to be happy, I want to feel love. I want to love myself and be confident in my body. I want to look after myself and others, I want to care for people and have a heart. I want to cope with my feelings and trauma. I want things to change.

So today I went to college, they took me in a room and filled my head with lies. I was told I'm not clinically well enough to be here and that I should come back next year. This course was the only thing giving me hope. "Some day I'll be a paramedic through the college course and help others" I said that every morning to keep myself living, to give myself hope. I'm gonna refuse meds and treatment now, I'm gonna stockpile all my medicine under my tongue and hide it for a mega overdose,. My biggest one yet. I have nothing to live for! All I dreamed is now gone.

Tomorrow is the day I find out if I get into college or not, I've been so excited for so long! I really wanted to do this for ages. It's given me hope but they know I'm suicidal so tomorrow they're going to decide if I can go to the course or not. If they let me go I'll be alright but if they say no I'll kill myself and refuse mess and treatment in my counselling sessions.

I don't even care about it anymore to be honest, there's only one other boy in my class and the rest are girls, the gender I feel. All the girls will have known each other by now while I'm not allowed to go to college yet because I'm suicidal. I hope they say yes tomorrow

So I was discharged from hospital 3 weeks ago, I stopped talking to everyone in there as soon as I got out. I pushed my suicidal plans to the side for a while and see how that goes, I figured if I have nothing to lose then why not stay a little longer? I was starting college in September although now they're questioning me and my safety so I might not get it. The college course was about nursing, my favourite subject ever. Now the teachers will have to review my stay at college because I'm deemed unsafe there. This was the only thing I was holding on to. I have nothing anymore. College was the only thing in my life to look forward to. It's why I stayed alive in hospital. Now it's gone. I have a meeting tomorrow and they'll decide I can't go. I'll keep everyone updated sorry for dragging this out a lot but I haven't posted in a while, my apologies.