Humiliation

So I got back with my girlfriend, who happens to have broke up with me on Monday. Anyways she tried killing herself that day but now she's fine and we're back together. She travelled 100 mile to see me today because we both live at the opposite side  of Ireland. However she managed to repay the favour and visit me this time. We spent the day but no action or anything because we both had flashbacks and I stopped taking my medication now. I'm experiencing the side effects. After leaving her to her family, I hugged her and walked away shamefully. No idea why. Walking out of the shopping center I saw my old friend I haven't seen in years. I'd talked for about 10 seconds and walked away in a quick pace. Mopments later this boy started shouting at me, about half my size. He said "why are you giving me dirty looks?" I couldn't tell him I look everyone in the eyes because of my anxiety and paranoia. He wouldn't understand. So I quickly said "What?" and walked away fast. I have a hickey on my shoulder now and I know my parents will find out real soon. I also didn't eat today and lost my cigarrettes which bothors me. I feel like I shouldn't be alive. I'm such a socially awkward person and can't deal with interactions with other people. I had such a bad time and I'm sure my flashbacks ruined it for her. I can tell she regrets coming here in the first place. Fuck my life.