Hello everyone, it’s a late night and I can’t get to sleep so I figured I’d write a post and get things off my chest while I lay on my bed feeling empty.
I’ve been thinking of attempting suicide again, I really want to. I have no problem with the method, it seems easy for me to complete. However, the thought of leaving my family is just incredibly painful for me and I really couldn’t do that. The thoughts of my brother crying and being heartbroken with my mother sobbing at my gravestone just haunts me. My father and other brother would just get angry and be so confused as well as distraught, it would be torture for them if I killed myself.
So here I am, laying in bed suffering for others. I say that because I can’t kill myself because other people will be upset so I have to stay alive and suffer so they don’t have to be sad. I think that’s selfish of them and not me. I have to ENDURE EMOTIONAL PAIN for them so they don’t have to be distraught. That’s annoying. I want to die but I can’t. I have to live. I feel like a prisoner and there is nothing I can do at all. I don’t think therapy is working and my psychiatrist wants to take me off my medications. So that little boost in my life will be gone soon. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m still looking forward to tech in September but I’d much rather die.
Is anyone else suicidal but can’t go through with it because of family or responsibilities? Contact me here
Heyya, I apologise so much for lack of posting. I promise to post way more and to have a schedule or routine so I can post and let everyone know when a new post is up.
Anyways, I’ve been studying for my math exam which I get my grade soon to see if I passed or failed, I’m so so nervous about it! However I will still get into college to do the health and social care course in September when I turn 18!
I’m so happy I got accepted for the course because it has given me some hope in life and something to work towards and look forward to, I really hope it goes well for me. Nursing is something I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would be amazing at it!
I’ve gotten myself a girlfriend and she is so sweet and amazing, I love her so much because she is so supportive of me and my goals in life too. We’re the same age and have similar interests. She lives an hour away but I’ve taken longer trips before!
I’ve came out to my parents that I am transgender however my dad laughed because of the shock, he thinks it’s sickening to change gender. My mum thinks it’s the wrong choice as I didn’t ‘seem’ transgender. I understand what they mean but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to transition to female unless they approve. I hope they’ll come round to the idea and warm up to it, it’s a huge shock to them. Although it’s been such a huge relief to come out to my parents and close friends. My best friend is probably the most supportive.
This is such a big blog update and I’m sorry again for the lack of posting. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this while I go through my journey!
You can contact me here if you want to chat or ask anything.
Who Am I?
I’m a 19 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.