It's been ages since I've posted here, I've been thinking about it all the time and I wasn't sure if I should post or just leave it alone for good.
However I decided to post and see if it helps me like it used to, in the way that I could get things off my chest really! So here goes.
There's been so much happening since I posted last November. I've finished college and I'm going back in September to do another course which is Health & Social Care level 3. I'm sure that this is the right move in order to get in university and train to become a nurse or paramedic. I'm still undecided about that but they have similar pathways so my college course will help me towards both of those careers.
Another thing is work, I've been looking for a job since I'm 18 and I want the experience and to do well within life. However not having enough GCSE's or experience isn't helping me get a job which is fucking awful really.
Cringe & Cheese Warning
I found my soul mate last Christmas though and it's been 7 months together, she brings out the best in me and helps me so much, I would honestly be dead if it wasn't for her but I don't want to tell her that to put any pressure on her. I love her so much and I'm actually lost without her! She makes me so so happy and I can't even find the words to describe it. She's the best thing to happen to me. She's my best friend and my partner in crime like even when I travel to her house and sometimes we babysit her niece and nephew I feel like it's a happy family out of some cheesy fairy tale or something lmao.
It feels so right to be with her and I feel so loved and happy when i'm around her. When I head home I'm constantly thinking of the next day we have. When I'm on my own it feels so shitty because nobody can compare to her, she's the only one I open up to about my trauma, because I won't tell others about it. I kept it secret for roughly 8 years and when I told people I never mention details but with her I can talk without it feeling like interrogation because she makes me feel so comfortable and at ease. She's my go to person, someone I can trust with my life even though that doesn't mean much from my point of view haha. I hope I don't fuck it up somehow.
Cringe & Cheese Over
Because I'm 18 I got moved from Children's to Adult mental health services and more is expected of me now as in CAMHS I've been dragged along not wanting to live, but in adults I have to take responsibility which I sort of like but there was no transition other than the fact my CAMHS worker started to see me less often at the end to get me to adapt to the times between each appointments which is what happens in adults. Probably cause of money or something i don't know.
I've been seeing my key worker and we've gotten along well anyways, I hope it lasts because I'm not keen on explaining my life again to another professional. Read the notes.
I relapsed twice and self harmed on my leg and arms, I felt really disgusted within myself and ashamed that I did it because I know many people relapse and it's normal for that to happen I just can't help but feel annoyed and ashamed at myself which is normal too I suppose. I would do it more often but it's summer and covering up my self harm is a nuisance which makes me regret it a bit but not enough to stop me doing it again. I hate telling people I self harmed because they get upset or annoyed or it's just awkward to explain it and why I did it. I try to keep it to myself as it's only me that has to deal with it and nobody needs to know if I'm hurt or not. Although I've been using rubber/elastic bands on my wrist to snap against my skin which hurts and stings. This is better because it doesn't leave a mark, there's no risk of infection, blood, cuts etc. It's just a stinging pain that lasts a few seconds. I have more alternatives to self harm here.
However if I lived alone with no friends or family it I would kill myself in an instant without doubt or hesitation. I would 100% do it. Family is the thing that keeps me alive, I couldn't hurt them like that, suicide isn't selfish although I wouldn't like to cause pain to others who don't deserve it. If I was alone I would kill myself though because nobody would mourn me or be upset but I couldn't do that to my girlfriend, my dad, my brothers and my poor mum, I couldn't break her heart. I attempt suicide when I get brain fog. It's what I call it to describe the state of mind i'm in when I attempt suicide. It's not thinking at all and just acting on urges such as suicide, when I have this brain fog I don't think of consequences or others, I just see a way out of this misery.
This is a long post, hope someone can relate although if you can I'm really fucking sorry. Hope your day is going well or somewhat okay. Message me if you think I should continue posting or not? It's helped me get things off my chest and say what I need to say without a care in the world about anything.
Feel free to contact me here or comment below!
Who Am I?
I’m a 19 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.