So they've decided to discharge me from hospital, told them I wasn't ready to leave but oh well. I haven't cut myself in 4 weeks. I want to go deep as possible. As deep as last year when I had doctors look at it and be in hospital for self harm alone. I'm killing myself on 28th June. I'm done with life so so much. I hate everyone and I want to kill everyone for some bizarre reason. I guess I get angry more now
I honestly believe that SI (self-injury) is and can be good. I feel that it's a safe and good way to cope. Not many will agree with me but I think that I'd be dead without it. I know my arteries, nerves, tendons, veins etc. I know safe places and not-so-safe places. I know what's safe to use and what isn't. I've done so much research on SI and believe that it can be really beneficial if you know what your doing.
Had a girlfriend in a mental hospital, complained about me gonna dump her when she fucking dumped me this morning. woken up to a break up text and now she wants me back and regrets what she said. Like I've got enough problems here, I honestly don't want anybody right now
I've got no friends, I feel so lonely right now. It feels permanent and I don't like it at all. It's as bad as my numbness! I made one great friend in hospital but she's moving away and discharged. It's a 5 hour train to see her and I know she's gonna get sick and tired of only seeing me a few times a month. I can tell we're gonna drift away. I have no friends at all. What am I doing wrong?
I honestly give up right now. I have a girlfriend and two friends who want me alive but honestly I don't think I can be here, it'll hurt them but I don't care if I'm dead. It'll be over for good. The way I want it to be. I'm just so fed up of living!
Why do I wanna die so much??
Because life sucks, it's horrible, it's waking up to numbness and sadness and anger. No happiness!
There's just nothing to live for! I hate these flashbacks of being raped when I was 9! I get these flashbacks everyday! I hate the thoughts of being worthless, useless, not good enough! Failure! Mistake! Burden! Asshole! Selfish! These thoughts go through my stupid head every fucking day! I hate it! I hate it so so much! I just want to die! What else is there to do? Fuck my medication and treatments that don't work. I'm sick of hospital too! I'm sick of home! I just want to die!
Who Am I?
I’m a 18 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses. I created this blog to help me get things off my chest and to help others feel less alone in their battles.