So it’s been quite a while since I last posted on here and I’m sorry about that! I doubt I had enough reading material on this site for you while I was away.
So what took me so long to update?
My life has been up and down the past while but I’ll try and go through each month from September to now.
I started a healthcare course in September and lasted about a month or two. It just wasn’t for me and that’s okay. I tried it and I’m happy that I gave it a shot even though I had higher expectations for myself. I was quite upset about this and had lead to hopeless thoughts about my future which spiralled into suicidal thoughts. My mother and father did not know about this and thought that I had been still going even though I left home in the morning and gone into town or to my favourite spot (the railway tunnel) while they suspected I was in tech/college. This had been going on for a while.
This was the same as September although my thoughts had gotten more out of control and life had seemed more hopeless to me at this point. I was still in contact with my mental health key worker and would see her monthly for reviews on my mental health. I have been diagnosed and referred to the personality disorder services because they suspect that I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or BPD if your in America. It takes months waiting on the list to finally receive their service.
Oh and I had applied for a job as a care assistant which I do twice a week in two twelve hour shifts, this is great for some income and to see my girlfriend.
By this time I was still avoiding tech/college like the plague, except I had more and more suicidal thoughts. These were unbearable to manage and one night coming home from my girlfriends I had drank alcohol and sliced my wrist open and it was pretty deep. Stupid me I had done this on the train but it was the last train home and I was the only one on it so it was lucky that I didn’t traumatise anyone onboard. I realised it was not ‘bleeding enough’ for me to go into shock and die so I had rang lifeline and slurred my words down the phone muttering about my wrist. My brother waited at the train station and took me to hospital for the night, surrounded by weird looks, judgmental assholes and people who pitied me. I was there for hours and hours but got my wrist stitched up again. This was fine and I was sent home as I said to them it was self harm and not an attempt at suicide to avoid being placed into a psychiatric unit.
It’s been really quiet and I’ve just had hopeless feelings, I hung out with my girlfriend and we done nice things together to keep me distracted and somewhat happy and content. I got Christmas over me which was pretty lonely despite being around so many people.
It’s been a blur. Just ongoing suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. I have a terrible pain in the back of my thigh which goes numb sometimes and I’ve been taking anti inflammatory medication for it but doesn’t seem to be much use for me. This has stopped me from walking long distances and I regularly have to sit in work or take breaks when I’m walking. Nobody takes it seriously enough. I got an X-ray taken for it and it’s been 9 weeks and I haven’t heard back yet. Fucking Coronavirus.
I’ve told my mum and dad I’m not going back to college so I spend my week working for two days and sitting in the house for the rest of the week. My leg hurts too much to go to my favourite spot or walk my dog. I’ve been drinking and cutting which helps in the moment but I can see it spiralling.
I feel that me and my girlfriend are drifting apart, I haven’t heard her say she misses me even tho it’s only been two weeks I haven’t seen her face. I know I’m overthinking and she still loves me but it’s nights that I’m laying in bed alone I think about it and feel lonely. I get too attached to people and get scared when they show any sign of leaving me even tho I try push them away. It’s stupid I know. I just feel that I’m losing her and the phrase “while your avoiding her someone is giving her attention” comes to mind. This makes me jealous and self conscious. I’d love a drink right now.
I hope everyone else is doing somewhat better than me right now and I’ll try get back to everyone who has sent me a message.
Who Am I?
I’m a 20 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.