Suffering for Others

Hello everyone, it’s a late night and I can’t get to sleep so I figured I’d write a post and get things off my chest while I lay on my bed feeling empty.

I’ve been thinking of attempting suicide again, I really want to. I have no problem with the method, it seems easy for me to complete. However, the thought of leaving my family is just incredibly painful for me and I really couldn’t do that. The thoughts of my brother crying and being heartbroken with my mother sobbing at my gravestone just haunts me. My father and other brother would just get angry and be so confused as well as distraught, it would be torture for them if I killed myself.

So here I am, laying in bed suffering for others. I say that because I can’t kill myself because other people will be upset so I have to stay alive and suffer so they don’t have to be sad. I think that’s selfish of them and not me. I have to ENDURE EMOTIONAL PAIN for them so they don’t have to be distraught. That’s annoying. I want to die but I can’t. I have to live. I feel like a prisoner and there is nothing I can do at all. I don’t think therapy is working and my psychiatrist wants to take me off my medications. So that little boost in my life will be gone soon. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m still looking forward to tech in September but I’d much rather die.

Is anyone else suicidal but can’t go through with it because of family or responsibilities? Contact me here