Going almost 8 months without self harm is a huge achievement for me, I feel great about it. The thing that has helped me do this and break apart from self harm and suicide.
What would we do without music? For me personally I wouldn’t be alive without it! It has helped me heal through trauma and cope with mental illness at night especially.
Having earphones in with your favourite band or artist really makes me feel less alone if I connect with the lyrics from the song. When I had nobody i put my music on and deeply relaxed with certain genres. My favourite music would be either Bob Marley or Linkin Park, those two artists aren’t similar at all but they both put me in a better mood when I listen to them. However I do listen to all kinds of music such as country and rap. Not every 17 year old likes country music haha! What are your favourite songs? Contact me here or below with a comment. Hi there!
I'm hoping to make some new improvements to my website, hopefully more colours, less negativity but still honest about things, just less triggering really! Please do let me know what you all think by contacting me privately or publicly commenting, hoping I can make this site better while keeping it real and honest too! That's all for now, don't hesitate to message me :) It's been far too long since I've posted here! I have so much to update everyone on!
I'm starting my maths course again next Friday which is so exciting! I'm travelling on my own via train for once! The safety plan to stop me from committing suicide has been reduced. I haven't self harmed in 6 months or attempted suicide since July! I've been doing amazing and it's because of distracting myself. This new year I'm determined to accept myself and think more positively, easier said than done however! ;) I'm not sure whats happened inside my head to change this, it has been gradual and slow however. I'm thinking it's my medications that are allowing me to feel some sort of happiness. I've learned to not take it for granted. I'm going to make my website more colourful and add more positivity that it's clearly lacking! I'm only an email away <3 My birthday just passed, I felt like shit. I'm now 17. One more year closer to adult services. (therapy and psychiatric hospitals) Growing up is great. The supervision I'm given is now being reduced giving me more freedom in my life rather than parents watching me 24/7. It's 5am here in Ireland and I can't sleep. I don't even feel tired. I'm just numb. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in weeks. I've stayed in my bedroom 24/7. That sounds really lazy but with my four mental illnesses it seems normal to me now. I'm so used to be this way that I can't see improvement or any difference whatsoever
I've been thinking alot, and realised I don't want my life to go the way it is at the moment. I want to change things. I'm going to change things! It's going to be almost impossible but I have to give it one more go. I have to give it all my strenght and energy, everything I have left. I can't keep going on like this. It's time to stop. I want to be happy, I want to feel love. I want to love myself and be confident in my body. I want to look after myself and others, I want to care for people and have a heart. I want to cope with my feelings and trauma. I want things to change.
So today I went to college, they took me in a room and filled my head with lies. I was told I'm not clinically well enough to be here and that I should come back next year. This course was the only thing giving me hope. "Some day I'll be a paramedic through the college course and help others" I said that every morning to keep myself living, to give myself hope. I'm gonna refuse meds and treatment now, I'm gonna stockpile all my medicine under my tongue and hide it for a mega overdose,. My biggest one yet. I have nothing to live for! All I dreamed is now gone.
Tomorrow is the day I find out if I get into college or not, I've been so excited for so long! I really wanted to do this for ages. It's given me hope but they know I'm suicidal so tomorrow they're going to decide if I can go to the course or not. If they let me go I'll be alright but if they say no I'll kill myself and refuse mess and treatment in my counselling sessions.
I don't even care about it anymore to be honest, there's only one other boy in my class and the rest are girls, the gender I feel. All the girls will have known each other by now while I'm not allowed to go to college yet because I'm suicidal. I hope they say yes tomorrow So I was discharged from hospital 3 weeks ago, I stopped talking to everyone in there as soon as I got out. I pushed my suicidal plans to the side for a while and see how that goes, I figured if I have nothing to lose then why not stay a little longer? I was starting college in September although now they're questioning me and my safety so I might not get it. The college course was about nursing, my favourite subject ever. Now the teachers will have to review my stay at college because I'm deemed unsafe there. This was the only thing I was holding on to. I have nothing anymore. College was the only thing in my life to look forward to. It's why I stayed alive in hospital. Now it's gone. I have a meeting tomorrow and they'll decide I can't go. I'll keep everyone updated sorry for dragging this out a lot but I haven't posted in a while, my apologies.
I can't be honest to anyone without them overreacting or being negative about it. It's never positive, when I open my fat mouth to people I always regret it and then feel bad I told them, maybe I need to keep things bottled up inside? I don't even know anymore really. I'm paranoid everyone is out to get me, sometimes I don't feel safe and have to check my own room just to feel safe, that isn't right or normal :(
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Who Am I?I’m a 23 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.
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