Hello! I apologise for the lack of posts this week however I've been sleeping and crying so that's a good excuse right?
On Monday I did the inevitable and went to the dentist. I was so scared that my breath was taken away and I felt so weak in the chair. I felt powerless and that's an awful feeling for me. Somebody in control of me for even an hour was shocking to me.
I got a molar tooth extraction and it was awful, however she stitched up the wound and told me that's the worst that can happen so fillings and other checkups won't be as bad as that tooth being took out. I couldnt eat or drink that whole day, I went to bed in a hoodie and two pairs of bottoms on me. Woke up at 4am sweating and almost faint and sick. It was awful!
The next two days I lived on yogurt and mashed potatoes. I felt like having an old person or babies' diet hahaha. However I was able to have a smoke although that scared me of having dry socket. They say that's the worst pain ever. Gladly I dodged it and my wound is healing well. I've been so distracted with the tooth situation that I haven't thought of suicide or anything for the whole week. I was able to have dinner today and a milkshake which was amazeballs to me!
Hopefully I'm in a better mood to post more now without that damn toothache bothering me and my love for food.
Anyone else have bad memories with the dentist? I have been twice in 6 years!
So after a few days of being worried and not having protection I've finally got it back and secured! I moved to a new domain www.depressionwillfade.com instead of .co.uk as this new domain has better protection. I've been talking to Weebly about it and they were honestly so nice and understanding about the situation! Gotta love them :)
I hope the traffic comes here instead of my old blog as I'll be posting 3 times a week here now instead! I hope this doesn't cause much confusion!
Sorry for such a short blog but hope you all understand!
So its a Tuesday night and I’m feeling pretty numb and hopeless as usual. I’ll masturbate at night, then have my last smoke of the day then go to bed and put on music, feeling depressed and numb in my usual routine. Not brushing my teeth or washing my face before bed.
I have the train tomorrow to my ASD group. But for now I’m feeling really low and I always put myself into these moods and not helping it at all with sad songs. It just feels necessary for this mood.
I feel really suicidal especially at night because it gives me so much time to think and stare at the ceiling and night time is when I post a new blog in hope somebody reaches out to talk to me. I think night is the worst for me because I have no distractions, I’m tired but that doesn’t stop me from overthinking, in fact I feel that fatigue makes it worse.
I hope your day is going much better than mine guys!
Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have questions or your feeling lonely just comment below or email me here
It's Monday, the start of the week for most of us. A fresh start to do things new or differently. This week will be the same as last week and the week before that. Counselling on a Tuesday, the train to my group on Wednesday, group on Thursday, Maths on Friday.
I really dislike repetitive things like this, It makes me want to end it. I get suicidal doing the same things over and over, I'm not sure why I relate it to suicide but I do for some reason anyways. It's pretty strange how my brain connects them and thinks that suicide is the only way out for me. That's not true however.
I'm really looking forward to Wednesday so i can get the train, it's relaxing when I read my book and have a coffee on the train to see my friends in the mental health group I attend on Wednesday morning. I do get lonely quite a lot especially on the train because of the isolation and my social anxiety doesn't allow me to talk to others very much.
Monday is really hopeless for me because I feel that I don't have enough strength and motivation to get through the week itself. However taking each day as it comes is good enough and works for me.
Side note: my new beanie arrives in the mail tomorrow so I'm pretty excited for that! (slight beanie obsession)
Hope your week is going well, I'm always an email away or you can comment below to let me know how your week is currently going!
So it’s Sunday and I’m still alive and well. Being suicidal that’s the one thing that matters most alive and that’s just breathing and taking each day as it comes, which is easier said than done.
My toothache is gone for now but I have the dentist next week I’m hoping they will sort it out for me! I took painkillers but they’re hurting my stomach and sedating me. It’s working anyways and thats the good thing!
I have to take the train on my own next week which I’m excited about, I love reading a book on the train on my way to my therapy group! I feel it’s really relaxing and content.
Really hope everyone’s week has been going well, let me know about it my emailing me here!
Okay so I honestly hate the dentist. I have went only ONCE in the past EIGHT YEARS! It’s not an anxiety feeling it’s a full on fear, everything about the place scares me so much.
The smell, it’s like a mad office with this weird pristine smell like a brand new place, it’s really hard to explain honestly I just hate it!
The noises, it has that radio playing in the background but you can never hear it over the dentist shouting “open wider” while he drills for damn oil in my teeth! The high piercing drill is the worst noise I’ve heard, like screeching demons in hell if you ask me.
The feeling, the gas makes me totally relaxed however I still feel the sharp pain of the needle going into my gums somehow. Then the awful scraping of the tools removing plaque and the vibrations. The last time I went I got a tooth pulled out and the cracking noise scared me to death with the dentist leaning over my and using my chest like a toolbox for himself.
That’s probably everything along with a few other fears I have, I really needed to get this off my chest in hope somebody can relate out there! I’m laying in my bed now in so much pain
So its 2018, I’ve tried to quit smoking however that has failed miserably lol.
I’m doing my Maths skills again hoping to get into college in September to do my Health and Social Care. Really need to pass this or its back to The hopelessness again for me. I’ve got my English sorted and passed that however maths is my weak point. I was always awful and despised maths in school, procrastinating my homework and talking in class. I need to get this if I want a future of being a Registered Nurse.
I’m so emotionally drained with all these activities however I need them to keep my busy. I’m now able to go on the train even if it is stressful and lonely by myself on the train, but I’m making progress and that’s the good thing. It’s making me more independent.
Don’t hesitate to contact me below or by email!
Hello there! I've been tired all day so I thought what a better way to finish it off than to put music on and blog.
I finally got the train for the first time on my own, no safety plan to stop me. CAMHS said it was all okay so I i got to go to a group 20 miles away on the train. It was so great honestly. I'm not sure why I've been feeling so tired because I haven't been doing much to be honest. I guess it's just the fatigue from depression itself along with the constant numbness. I really need a coffee to fix that, along with exercise.
We can't have what we want though so I'm gonna get used to this fatigue and embrace it like a sloth. No matter how much sleep I get I'm never fully rested. It's always oversleeping or under sleeping. Both are awful. I have a new bed so I thought that would improve sleep however it hasn't.
I'm starting my Math GCSE on Friday which is exciting, I'm 17 and the class will have 20 year olds up to 50 year olds, hopefully some smoke so I can socialise that way because it's how I can bond. Other than that I'm pretty awkward lol. I need this to start my College course In September which is HSC level 2. I'm so excited about that as it should help me become a Registered Nurse. Following my dreams <3
I'm only a message away! Don't hesitate to contact me :)
Hello! I’m the author and creator of this website. I post the blogs here and upload content. I thought I’d create this so you know me better and see that I’m not some robot!
My name is Josef, I’m seventeen years old and I live in Ireland. I’ve been blogging for about a year. It’s the main that’s helped me cope with life.
I’ve been at the lowest points in my life which you can read here. My lowest is probably admitted to a psychiatric unit for suicide attempts. My highest is probably laughing at something random.
I’m currently diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and developmental trauma. I may be diagnosed with Autism too in the future as well as Personality Disorder. It’s a long battle I’ve faced but I’ve decided to share it publicly to help and inspire others that Depression Will Fade.
I hope this clears some things up and helps you feel less hopeless while reading this, just keep in mind that it does get better. That’s really cliche to say however it’s very true and I’m living proof it does get better.
Going almost 8 months without self harm is a huge achievement for me, I feel great about it. The thing that has helped me do this and break apart from self harm and suicide.
Who Am I?
I’m a 20 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.