It's been quite a while since I've posted anything here and I've gotten the motivation to return and get back into blogging, mostly for myself to keep track of my thoughts & feelings.
I've been through quite so much since I've last updated you all. I've honestly struggled quite a lot but I'm still here and kicking it. I got through it.
I'm keeping occupied with my work-life and attending my mental health appointments. Just trying to keep distracted and hope that it will reduce the dark thoughts I have on a daily basis. I find that distractions are key when you have regular suicidal thoughts as you don't have as much time to ruminate and overthink or idolise suicide/death.
Since Covid started I've lost my hobbies & interests, lost any social life I had and drifted further from anyone I previously knew prior to the lockdowns we've had. I feel that I've lost all motivation to connect with others and just keep my head down trying to focus on staying content. Although I should really get out and socialise or find an interest/hobby. It's not doing me any good just staying in the house and being a hermit but that's all the energy I have. It's much easier said than done to go and socialise with others. Once I'm finished putting up a 'front' at work I'm mentally and physically exhausted and don't have any motivation to do anything else.
I do hope that things will change for me in the future, nothing will change if I don't change. I can't keep doing this for the rest of my life, I need to fix things.
I'm trying to get back into blogging as it's hard enough to put my thoughts into words.
Take care for now.
So I posted a short while back about my last suicide attempt, how I ended up on a mountain and all that. I figured it would be nice to post an update, not sure if anyone cares but if it can give 1 person a slight bit of hope then it's worth posting about.
So lockdown hadn't been going well for me at all, with the suicide attempt, heartbreak, alcoholism, extreme flashbacks of being raped as a kid, loss of my pet, diagnosed with bpd/eupd, being blocked by my best friend I have known for many many years. So this had all lead to the suicide attempt, many external and internal factors had gotten to me,
However I have had some ups and downs I can now be proud of the ups and recognize my achievements. I have gotten accepted into college for a diploma in science, which will help me get another course which leads to university in Belfast to study Mental Health Nursing. I am so pleased with myself that I managed to turn everything around. All be it, my life isn't perfect, I'm not 'cured'. I still struggle daily and still experience suicidal thoughts although it's been a while since I have actually had the desire to act on them.
I've started getting into a proper routine, brushing teeth, drinking water, attending driving lessons and getting more hours in my job as a care assistant. I'm also on a waiting list for DBT, (dialectical behaviour therapy) which has great statistics so I'm quite looking forward to that.
I've wrote this impulsively but I wanted to show that there is hope in this life.Yeah it fucking sucks and it's cruel, heartbreak, grief, war, famine, greed, violence, maybe I should stop talking but there is beauty in it. Being happy and competent and having a sense of meaning and purpose. That's what matters.
(Realise this is all over the place)
Hi there, it’s just me again.
I’ve been doing quite poor since the last update and I’m noticing how increasingly numb and empty I feel. I can feel a pinch and cold water but I feel empty on the inside, that’s the only way I can describe it. I remember my old Psychiatrist told me that was the brain‘s way of defending itself by preventing emotion from coming through as it’s too painful to deal with especially with victims of trauma. However my doctor has told me that the SSRI (selective serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor)that I’m taking (Citalopram) can cause this too. A lot of people have mentioned while taking this medication they are unable to grieve. It’s really horrible because I’m not able to laugh or cry most of the time on this medication but I’d rather feel nothing because if I stop taking the medication I’ll end up feeling even worse instead and my emotions become more vivid and makes me even more suicidal than I already am.
By the way I’ve got big plans for the website to upgrade it and make it more colourful, re design the whole theme, create and remove the other pages and modify those to be more of use and to overall give the page a face-lift.
I hope your all having a wonderful day ❤️
So it’s been quite a while since I last posted on here and I’m sorry about that! I doubt I had enough reading material on this site for you while I was away.
So what took me so long to update?
My life has been up and down the past while but I’ll try and go through each month from September to now.
I started a healthcare course in September and lasted about a month or two. It just wasn’t for me and that’s okay. I tried it and I’m happy that I gave it a shot even though I had higher expectations for myself. I was quite upset about this and had lead to hopeless thoughts about my future which spiralled into suicidal thoughts. My mother and father did not know about this and thought that I had been still going even though I left home in the morning and gone into town or to my favourite spot (the railway tunnel) while they suspected I was in tech/college. This had been going on for a while.
This was the same as September although my thoughts had gotten more out of control and life had seemed more hopeless to me at this point. I was still in contact with my mental health key worker and would see her monthly for reviews on my mental health. I have been diagnosed and referred to the personality disorder services because they suspect that I have Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder or BPD if your in America. It takes months waiting on the list to finally receive their service.
Oh and I had applied for a job as a care assistant which I do twice a week in two twelve hour shifts, this is great for some income and to see my girlfriend.
By this time I was still avoiding tech/college like the plague, except I had more and more suicidal thoughts. These were unbearable to manage and one night coming home from my girlfriends I had drank alcohol and sliced my wrist open and it was pretty deep. Stupid me I had done this on the train but it was the last train home and I was the only one on it so it was lucky that I didn’t traumatise anyone onboard. I realised it was not ‘bleeding enough’ for me to go into shock and die so I had rang lifeline and slurred my words down the phone muttering about my wrist. My brother waited at the train station and took me to hospital for the night, surrounded by weird looks, judgmental assholes and people who pitied me. I was there for hours and hours but got my wrist stitched up again. This was fine and I was sent home as I said to them it was self harm and not an attempt at suicide to avoid being placed into a psychiatric unit.
It’s been really quiet and I’ve just had hopeless feelings, I hung out with my girlfriend and we done nice things together to keep me distracted and somewhat happy and content. I got Christmas over me which was pretty lonely despite being around so many people.
It’s been a blur. Just ongoing suicidal thoughts and hopelessness. I have a terrible pain in the back of my thigh which goes numb sometimes and I’ve been taking anti inflammatory medication for it but doesn’t seem to be much use for me. This has stopped me from walking long distances and I regularly have to sit in work or take breaks when I’m walking. Nobody takes it seriously enough. I got an X-ray taken for it and it’s been 9 weeks and I haven’t heard back yet. Fucking Coronavirus.
I’ve told my mum and dad I’m not going back to college so I spend my week working for two days and sitting in the house for the rest of the week. My leg hurts too much to go to my favourite spot or walk my dog. I’ve been drinking and cutting which helps in the moment but I can see it spiralling.
I feel that me and my girlfriend are drifting apart, I haven’t heard her say she misses me even tho it’s only been two weeks I haven’t seen her face. I know I’m overthinking and she still loves me but it’s nights that I’m laying in bed alone I think about it and feel lonely. I get too attached to people and get scared when they show any sign of leaving me even tho I try push them away. It’s stupid I know. I just feel that I’m losing her and the phrase “while your avoiding her someone is giving her attention” comes to mind. This makes me jealous and self conscious. I’d love a drink right now.
I hope everyone else is doing somewhat better than me right now and I’ll try get back to everyone who has sent me a message.
It’s about time I should post an update and get back into doing that regularly, I’m going to put up a post soon about everything that’s been happening with me
It's been ages since I've posted here, I've been thinking about it all the time and I wasn't sure if I should post or just leave it alone for good.
However I decided to post and see if it helps me like it used to, in the way that I could get things off my chest really! So here goes.
There's been so much happening since I posted last November. I've finished college and I'm going back in September to do another course which is Health & Social Care level 3. I'm sure that this is the right move in order to get in university and train to become a nurse or paramedic. I'm still undecided about that but they have similar pathways so my college course will help me towards both of those careers.
Another thing is work, I've been looking for a job since I'm 18 and I want the experience and to do well within life. However not having enough GCSE's or experience isn't helping me get a job which is fucking awful really.
Cringe & Cheese Warning
I found my soul mate last Christmas though and it's been 7 months together, she brings out the best in me and helps me so much, I would honestly be dead if it wasn't for her but I don't want to tell her that to put any pressure on her. I love her so much and I'm actually lost without her! She makes me so so happy and I can't even find the words to describe it. She's the best thing to happen to me. She's my best friend and my partner in crime like even when I travel to her house and sometimes we babysit her niece and nephew I feel like it's a happy family out of some cheesy fairy tale or something lmao.
It feels so right to be with her and I feel so loved and happy when i'm around her. When I head home I'm constantly thinking of the next day we have. When I'm on my own it feels so shitty because nobody can compare to her, she's the only one I open up to about my trauma, because I won't tell others about it. I kept it secret for roughly 8 years and when I told people I never mention details but with her I can talk without it feeling like interrogation because she makes me feel so comfortable and at ease. She's my go to person, someone I can trust with my life even though that doesn't mean much from my point of view haha. I hope I don't fuck it up somehow.
Cringe & Cheese Over
Because I'm 18 I got moved from Children's to Adult mental health services and more is expected of me now as in CAMHS I've been dragged along not wanting to live, but in adults I have to take responsibility which I sort of like but there was no transition other than the fact my CAMHS worker started to see me less often at the end to get me to adapt to the times between each appointments which is what happens in adults. Probably cause of money or something i don't know.
I've been seeing my key worker and we've gotten along well anyways, I hope it lasts because I'm not keen on explaining my life again to another professional. Read the notes.
I relapsed twice and self harmed on my leg and arms, I felt really disgusted within myself and ashamed that I did it because I know many people relapse and it's normal for that to happen I just can't help but feel annoyed and ashamed at myself which is normal too I suppose. I would do it more often but it's summer and covering up my self harm is a nuisance which makes me regret it a bit but not enough to stop me doing it again. I hate telling people I self harmed because they get upset or annoyed or it's just awkward to explain it and why I did it. I try to keep it to myself as it's only me that has to deal with it and nobody needs to know if I'm hurt or not. Although I've been using rubber/elastic bands on my wrist to snap against my skin which hurts and stings. This is better because it doesn't leave a mark, there's no risk of infection, blood, cuts etc. It's just a stinging pain that lasts a few seconds. I have more alternatives to self harm here.
However if I lived alone with no friends or family it I would kill myself in an instant without doubt or hesitation. I would 100% do it. Family is the thing that keeps me alive, I couldn't hurt them like that, suicide isn't selfish although I wouldn't like to cause pain to others who don't deserve it. If I was alone I would kill myself though because nobody would mourn me or be upset but I couldn't do that to my girlfriend, my dad, my brothers and my poor mum, I couldn't break her heart. I attempt suicide when I get brain fog. It's what I call it to describe the state of mind i'm in when I attempt suicide. It's not thinking at all and just acting on urges such as suicide, when I have this brain fog I don't think of consequences or others, I just see a way out of this misery.
This is a long post, hope someone can relate although if you can I'm really fucking sorry. Hope your day is going well or somewhat okay. Message me if you think I should continue posting or not? It's helped me get things off my chest and say what I need to say without a care in the world about anything.
Feel free to contact me here or comment below!
Hey there! I really apologise for the lack of posting, I hope some of you still read my blog and enjoy or benefit from some part of this. I'd be curious to know what you all would like to me to cover such as uplifting blog posts, informational posts, my day to day life or anything else really!
With that out of the way, I can talk about my life recently and what's been happening! (not a lot anyways)
Anyways, I've been studying my health & social care for the past two months now and I'm actually enjoying it for once! Something I can actually look forward to! Crazy isn't it? But yeah I have that going on now for me, it's pretty stressful with plenty of work involved and so many assignments and essays to do.
I also relapsed twice in the past week. I wasn't proud of cutting myself but I felt like I had to do it and it helped a lot really. However I felt so ashamed of myself and trying to hide it was just another burden I didn't need. Some people noticed but didn't know what to say although I guess that's just how life is.
I don't have anybody to talk to about my problems or even how I'm doing. All I have is some metal that brings relief as well as my music. That's somewhat good enough for me.
I confessed my love to a girl and talked to her about my mental health and she replied with "if you wanted to kill yourself you'd have done it by now" although I have tried numerous times but she thinks it's just for attention. I just don't get it.
I hope you can reach out to me by commenting below or contacting me here.
Thanks for reading about my blog posts <3
Hello everyone, it’s a late night and I can’t get to sleep so I figured I’d write a post and get things off my chest while I lay on my bed feeling empty.
I’ve been thinking of attempting suicide again, I really want to. I have no problem with the method, it seems easy for me to complete. However, the thought of leaving my family is just incredibly painful for me and I really couldn’t do that. The thoughts of my brother crying and being heartbroken with my mother sobbing at my gravestone just haunts me. My father and other brother would just get angry and be so confused as well as distraught, it would be torture for them if I killed myself.
So here I am, laying in bed suffering for others. I say that because I can’t kill myself because other people will be upset so I have to stay alive and suffer so they don’t have to be sad. I think that’s selfish of them and not me. I have to ENDURE EMOTIONAL PAIN for them so they don’t have to be distraught. That’s annoying. I want to die but I can’t. I have to live. I feel like a prisoner and there is nothing I can do at all. I don’t think therapy is working and my psychiatrist wants to take me off my medications. So that little boost in my life will be gone soon. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m still looking forward to tech in September but I’d much rather die.
Is anyone else suicidal but can’t go through with it because of family or responsibilities? Contact me here
Heyya, I apologise so much for lack of posting. I promise to post way more and to have a schedule or routine so I can post and let everyone know when a new post is up.
Anyways, I’ve been studying for my math exam which I get my grade soon to see if I passed or failed, I’m so so nervous about it! However I will still get into college to do the health and social care course in September when I turn 18!
I’m so happy I got accepted for the course because it has given me some hope in life and something to work towards and look forward to, I really hope it goes well for me. Nursing is something I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would be amazing at it!
I’ve gotten myself a girlfriend and she is so sweet and amazing, I love her so much because she is so supportive of me and my goals in life too. We’re the same age and have similar interests. She lives an hour away but I’ve taken longer trips before!
I’ve came out to my parents that I am transgender however my dad laughed because of the shock, he thinks it’s sickening to change gender. My mum thinks it’s the wrong choice as I didn’t ‘seem’ transgender. I understand what they mean but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to transition to female unless they approve. I hope they’ll come round to the idea and warm up to it, it’s a huge shock to them. Although it’s been such a huge relief to come out to my parents and close friends. My best friend is probably the most supportive.
This is such a big blog update and I’m sorry again for the lack of posting. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this while I go through my journey!
You can contact me here if you want to chat or ask anything.
Its Sunday evening and I haven’t posted in weeks! I deeply apologise for that!
However I’ve had so much going on in my personal life that I didn’t find much time to post! I’ve had so many group sessions, therapy and travelling and also diy work on the garden.
I got nominated for ‘Inspirational Young Person’ Award by people and I have to go some night to the event! I’ll either come second or first place I was told! But won’t find out if I come first or second til the actual event! So no pressure?
I’ve been attending school trying to repeat my maths in hope to do Nursing in September which makes me really happy, however the maths is so long and boring and my concentration isn’t that great if I’m entirely honest with you!
I’m going to London next week to meet some young people and talk to them, going to see some sights and explore the city! I’ve never even been on an airplane or out of Ireland at all!
I’ve have so many urges to self harm but I hid my blades really well so the urge wears out before I find and use them! I guess that’s a great tactic but see here if you want safer alternatives than cutting or burning!
I really hope your all doing well, please contact me if you need a chat or want to talk about anything here!
Who Am I?
I’m a 20 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses.