So it’s Sunday and I’m still alive and well. Being suicidal that’s the one thing that matters most alive and that’s just breathing and taking each day as it comes, which is easier said than done.
My toothache is gone for now but I have the dentist next week I’m hoping they will sort it out for me! I took painkillers but they’re hurting my stomach and sedating me. It’s working anyways and thats the good thing!
I have to take the train on my own next week which I’m excited about, I love reading a book on the train on my way to my therapy group! I feel it’s really relaxing and content.
Really hope everyone’s week has been going well, let me know about it my emailing me here!
Okay so I honestly hate the dentist. I have went only ONCE in the past EIGHT YEARS! It’s not an anxiety feeling it’s a full on fear, everything about the place scares me so much.
The smell, it’s like a mad office with this weird pristine smell like a brand new place, it’s really hard to explain honestly I just hate it!
The noises, it has that radio playing in the background but you can never hear it over the dentist shouting “open wider” while he drills for damn oil in my teeth! The high piercing drill is the worst noise I’ve heard, like screeching demons in hell if you ask me.
The feeling, the gas makes me totally relaxed however I still feel the sharp pain of the needle going into my gums somehow. Then the awful scraping of the tools removing plaque and the vibrations. The last time I went I got a tooth pulled out and the cracking noise scared me to death with the dentist leaning over my and using my chest like a toolbox for himself.
That’s probably everything along with a few other fears I have, I really needed to get this off my chest in hope somebody can relate out there! I’m laying in my bed now in so much pain
So its 2018, I’ve tried to quit smoking however that has failed miserably lol.
I’m doing my Maths skills again hoping to get into college in September to do my Health and Social Care. Really need to pass this or its back to The hopelessness again for me. I’ve got my English sorted and passed that however maths is my weak point. I was always awful and despised maths in school, procrastinating my homework and talking in class. I need to get this if I want a future of being a Registered Nurse.
I’m so emotionally drained with all these activities however I need them to keep my busy. I’m now able to go on the train even if it is stressful and lonely by myself on the train, but I’m making progress and that’s the good thing. It’s making me more independent.
Don’t hesitate to contact me below or by email!
Hello there! I've been tired all day so I thought what a better way to finish it off than to put music on and blog.
I finally got the train for the first time on my own, no safety plan to stop me. CAMHS said it was all okay so I i got to go to a group 20 miles away on the train. It was so great honestly. I'm not sure why I've been feeling so tired because I haven't been doing much to be honest. I guess it's just the fatigue from depression itself along with the constant numbness. I really need a coffee to fix that, along with exercise.
We can't have what we want though so I'm gonna get used to this fatigue and embrace it like a sloth. No matter how much sleep I get I'm never fully rested. It's always oversleeping or under sleeping. Both are awful. I have a new bed so I thought that would improve sleep however it hasn't.
I'm starting my Math GCSE on Friday which is exciting, I'm 17 and the class will have 20 year olds up to 50 year olds, hopefully some smoke so I can socialise that way because it's how I can bond. Other than that I'm pretty awkward lol. I need this to start my College course In September which is HSC level 2. I'm so excited about that as it should help me become a Registered Nurse. Following my dreams <3
I'm only a message away! Don't hesitate to contact me :)
Hello! I’m the author and creator of this website. I post the blogs here and upload content. I thought I’d create this so you know me better and see that I’m not some robot!
My name is Josef, I’m seventeen years old and I live in Ireland. I’ve been blogging for about a year. It’s the main that’s helped me cope with life.
I’ve been at the lowest points in my life which you can read here. My lowest is probably admitted to a psychiatric unit for suicide attempts. My highest is probably laughing at something random.
I’m currently diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety, PTSD and developmental trauma. I may be diagnosed with Autism too in the future as well as Personality Disorder. It’s a long battle I’ve faced but I’ve decided to share it publicly to help and inspire others that Depression Will Fade.
I hope this clears some things up and helps you feel less hopeless while reading this, just keep in mind that it does get better. That’s really cliche to say however it’s very true and I’m living proof it does get better.
Going almost 8 months without self harm is a huge achievement for me, I feel great about it. The thing that has helped me do this and break apart from self harm and suicide.
What would we do without music? For me personally I wouldn’t be alive without it! It has helped me heal through trauma and cope with mental illness at night especially.
Having earphones in with your favourite band or artist really makes me feel less alone if I connect with the lyrics from the song. When I had nobody i put my music on and deeply relaxed with certain genres.
My favourite music would be either Bob Marley or Linkin Park, those two artists aren’t similar at all but they both put me in a better mood when I listen to them. However I do listen to all kinds of music such as country and rap. Not every 17 year old likes country music haha!
What are your favourite songs? Contact me here or below with a comment.
I'm hoping to make some new improvements to my website, hopefully more colours, less negativity but still honest about things, just less triggering really!
Please do let me know what you all think by contacting me privately or publicly commenting, hoping I can make this site better while keeping it real and honest too!
That's all for now, don't hesitate to message me :)
It's been far too long since I've posted here! I have so much to update everyone on!
I'm starting my maths course again next Friday which is so exciting! I'm travelling on my own via train for once! The safety plan to stop me from committing suicide has been reduced. I haven't self harmed in 6 months or attempted suicide since July! I've been doing amazing and it's because of distracting myself. This new year I'm determined to accept myself and think more positively, easier said than done however! ;)
I'm not sure whats happened inside my head to change this, it has been gradual and slow however. I'm thinking it's my medications that are allowing me to feel some sort of happiness. I've learned to not take it for granted.
I'm going to make my website more colourful and add more positivity that it's clearly lacking!
I'm only an email away <3
My birthday just passed, I felt like shit. I'm now 17. One more year closer to adult services. (therapy and psychiatric hospitals) Growing up is great. The supervision I'm given is now being reduced giving me more freedom in my life rather than parents watching me 24/7. It's 5am here in Ireland and I can't sleep. I don't even feel tired. I'm just numb. I haven't showered or brushed my teeth in weeks. I've stayed in my bedroom 24/7. That sounds really lazy but with my four mental illnesses it seems normal to me now. I'm so used to be this way that I can't see improvement or any difference whatsoever
Who Am I?
I’m a 18 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses. I created this blog to help me get things off my chest and to help others feel less alone in their battles.