It's been ages since I've posted here, I've been thinking about it all the time and I wasn't sure if I should post or just leave it alone for good.
However I decided to post and see if it helps me like it used to, in the way that I could get things off my chest really! So here goes.
There's been so much happening since I posted last November. I've finished college and I'm going back in September to do another course which is Health & Social Care level 3. I'm sure that this is the right move in order to get in university and train to become a nurse or paramedic. I'm still undecided about that but they have similar pathways so my college course will help me towards both of those careers.
Another thing is work, I've been looking for a job since I'm 18 and I want the experience and to do well within life. However not having enough GCSE's or experience isn't helping me get a job which is fucking awful really.
Cringe & Cheese Warning
I found my soul mate last Christmas though and it's been 7 months together, she brings out the best in me and helps me so much, I would honestly be dead if it wasn't for her but I don't want to tell her that to put any pressure on her. I love her so much and I'm actually lost without her! She makes me so so happy and I can't even find the words to describe it. She's the best thing to happen to me. She's my best friend and my partner in crime like even when I travel to her house and sometimes we babysit her niece and nephew I feel like it's a happy family out of some cheesy fairy tale or something lmao.
It feels so right to be with her and I feel so loved and happy when i'm around her. When I head home I'm constantly thinking of the next day we have. When I'm on my own it feels so shitty because nobody can compare to her, she's the only one I open up to about my trauma, because I won't tell others about it. I kept it secret for roughly 8 years and when I told people I never mention details but with her I can talk without it feeling like interrogation because she makes me feel so comfortable and at ease. She's my go to person, someone I can trust with my life even though that doesn't mean much from my point of view haha. I hope I don't fuck it up somehow.
Cringe & Cheese Over
Because I'm 18 I got moved from Children's to Adult mental health services and more is expected of me now as in CAMHS I've been dragged along not wanting to live, but in adults I have to take responsibility which I sort of like but there was no transition other than the fact my CAMHS worker started to see me less often at the end to get me to adapt to the times between each appointments which is what happens in adults. Probably cause of money or something i don't know.
I've been seeing my key worker and we've gotten along well anyways, I hope it lasts because I'm not keen on explaining my life again to another professional. Read the notes.
I relapsed twice and self harmed on my leg and arms, I felt really disgusted within myself and ashamed that I did it because I know many people relapse and it's normal for that to happen I just can't help but feel annoyed and ashamed at myself which is normal too I suppose. I would do it more often but it's summer and covering up my self harm is a nuisance which makes me regret it a bit but not enough to stop me doing it again. I hate telling people I self harmed because they get upset or annoyed or it's just awkward to explain it and why I did it. I try to keep it to myself as it's only me that has to deal with it and nobody needs to know if I'm hurt or not. Although I've been using rubber/elastic bands on my wrist to snap against my skin which hurts and stings. This is better because it doesn't leave a mark, there's no risk of infection, blood, cuts etc. It's just a stinging pain that lasts a few seconds. I have more alternatives to self harm here.
However if I lived alone with no friends or family it I would kill myself in an instant without doubt or hesitation. I would 100% do it. Family is the thing that keeps me alive, I couldn't hurt them like that, suicide isn't selfish although I wouldn't like to cause pain to others who don't deserve it. If I was alone I would kill myself though because nobody would mourn me or be upset but I couldn't do that to my girlfriend, my dad, my brothers and my poor mum, I couldn't break her heart. I attempt suicide when I get brain fog. It's what I call it to describe the state of mind i'm in when I attempt suicide. It's not thinking at all and just acting on urges such as suicide, when I have this brain fog I don't think of consequences or others, I just see a way out of this misery.
This is a long post, hope someone can relate although if you can I'm really fucking sorry. Hope your day is going well or somewhat okay. Message me if you think I should continue posting or not? It's helped me get things off my chest and say what I need to say without a care in the world about anything.
Feel free to contact me here or comment below!
Hey there! I really apologise for the lack of posting, I hope some of you still read my blog and enjoy or benefit from some part of this. I'd be curious to know what you all would like to me to cover such as uplifting blog posts, informational posts, my day to day life or anything else really!
With that out of the way, I can talk about my life recently and what's been happening! (not a lot anyways)
Anyways, I've been studying my health & social care for the past two months now and I'm actually enjoying it for once! Something I can actually look forward to! Crazy isn't it? But yeah I have that going on now for me, it's pretty stressful with plenty of work involved and so many assignments and essays to do.
I also relapsed twice in the past week. I wasn't proud of cutting myself but I felt like I had to do it and it helped a lot really. However I felt so ashamed of myself and trying to hide it was just another burden I didn't need. Some people noticed but didn't know what to say although I guess that's just how life is.
I don't have anybody to talk to about my problems or even how I'm doing. All I have is some metal that brings relief as well as my music. That's somewhat good enough for me.
I confessed my love to a girl and talked to her about my mental health and she replied with "if you wanted to kill yourself you'd have done it by now" although I have tried numerous times but she thinks it's just for attention. I just don't get it.
I hope you can reach out to me by commenting below or contacting me here.
Thanks for reading about my blog posts <3
Hello everyone, it’s a late night and I can’t get to sleep so I figured I’d write a post and get things off my chest while I lay on my bed feeling empty.
I’ve been thinking of attempting suicide again, I really want to. I have no problem with the method, it seems easy for me to complete. However, the thought of leaving my family is just incredibly painful for me and I really couldn’t do that. The thoughts of my brother crying and being heartbroken with my mother sobbing at my gravestone just haunts me. My father and other brother would just get angry and be so confused as well as distraught, it would be torture for them if I killed myself.
So here I am, laying in bed suffering for others. I say that because I can’t kill myself because other people will be upset so I have to stay alive and suffer so they don’t have to be sad. I think that’s selfish of them and not me. I have to ENDURE EMOTIONAL PAIN for them so they don’t have to be distraught. That’s annoying. I want to die but I can’t. I have to live. I feel like a prisoner and there is nothing I can do at all. I don’t think therapy is working and my psychiatrist wants to take me off my medications. So that little boost in my life will be gone soon. I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m still looking forward to tech in September but I’d much rather die.
Is anyone else suicidal but can’t go through with it because of family or responsibilities? Contact me here
Heyya, I apologise so much for lack of posting. I promise to post way more and to have a schedule or routine so I can post and let everyone know when a new post is up.
Anyways, I’ve been studying for my math exam which I get my grade soon to see if I passed or failed, I’m so so nervous about it! However I will still get into college to do the health and social care course in September when I turn 18!
I’m so happy I got accepted for the course because it has given me some hope in life and something to work towards and look forward to, I really hope it goes well for me. Nursing is something I’ve always wanted to do and I think I would be amazing at it!
I’ve gotten myself a girlfriend and she is so sweet and amazing, I love her so much because she is so supportive of me and my goals in life too. We’re the same age and have similar interests. She lives an hour away but I’ve taken longer trips before!
I’ve came out to my parents that I am transgender however my dad laughed because of the shock, he thinks it’s sickening to change gender. My mum thinks it’s the wrong choice as I didn’t ‘seem’ transgender. I understand what they mean but I’m not sure if I’ll ever get to transition to female unless they approve. I hope they’ll come round to the idea and warm up to it, it’s a huge shock to them. Although it’s been such a huge relief to come out to my parents and close friends. My best friend is probably the most supportive.
This is such a big blog update and I’m sorry again for the lack of posting. Thank you so much for sticking with me and reading this while I go through my journey!
You can contact me here if you want to chat or ask anything.
Its Sunday evening and I haven’t posted in weeks! I deeply apologise for that!
However I’ve had so much going on in my personal life that I didn’t find much time to post! I’ve had so many group sessions, therapy and travelling and also diy work on the garden.
I got nominated for ‘Inspirational Young Person’ Award by people and I have to go some night to the event! I’ll either come second or first place I was told! But won’t find out if I come first or second til the actual event! So no pressure?
I’ve been attending school trying to repeat my maths in hope to do Nursing in September which makes me really happy, however the maths is so long and boring and my concentration isn’t that great if I’m entirely honest with you!
I’m going to London next week to meet some young people and talk to them, going to see some sights and explore the city! I’ve never even been on an airplane or out of Ireland at all!
I’ve have so many urges to self harm but I hid my blades really well so the urge wears out before I find and use them! I guess that’s a great tactic but see here if you want safer alternatives than cutting or burning!
I really hope your all doing well, please contact me if you need a chat or want to talk about anything here!
Isolation is probably one of the worst things for mental health. Being alone isn’t bad however it can be when you have enough time alone to think and over think to a point where it latches onto you and you start to want attention and love and friends.
I’m writing this at night in my bed with music on trying to stop the intrusive thoughts but it’s so hard to avoid feeling like a complete waste and that I don’t think I’ll ever be who I want in life.
Feeling lonely hurts me so so much and I can’t do much about it because my social skills are horrible! Staying around my parents and music helps me a lot however I can’t shake the feeling of loneliness even in a room of 100 people. Probably because I don’t connect to them at all and I’m quite a weird and bizarre boy. My interests are music and model trains and nursing.
My whole life revolves around mental health and trying to help improve it, rather than enjoying life I’m just overwhelmed with the amount of activities I signed up for and now I feel overwhelmed. That’s life I guess.
Have you got any thoughts on isolation? Let me know by emailing me here or commenting below!
Hello! I apologise for the lack of posts this week however I've been sleeping and crying so that's a good excuse right?
On Monday I did the inevitable and went to the dentist. I was so scared that my breath was taken away and I felt so weak in the chair. I felt powerless and that's an awful feeling for me. Somebody in control of me for even an hour was shocking to me.
I got a molar tooth extraction and it was awful, however she stitched up the wound and told me that's the worst that can happen so fillings and other checkups won't be as bad as that tooth being took out. I couldnt eat or drink that whole day, I went to bed in a hoodie and two pairs of bottoms on me. Woke up at 4am sweating and almost faint and sick. It was awful!
The next two days I lived on yogurt and mashed potatoes. I felt like having an old person or babies' diet hahaha. However I was able to have a smoke although that scared me of having dry socket. They say that's the worst pain ever. Gladly I dodged it and my wound is healing well. I've been so distracted with the tooth situation that I haven't thought of suicide or anything for the whole week. I was able to have dinner today and a milkshake which was amazeballs to me!
Hopefully I'm in a better mood to post more now without that damn toothache bothering me and my love for food.
Anyone else have bad memories with the dentist? I have been twice in 6 years!
So after a few days of being worried and not having protection I've finally got it back and secured! I moved to a new domain www.depressionwillfade.com instead of .co.uk as this new domain has better protection. I've been talking to Weebly about it and they were honestly so nice and understanding about the situation! Gotta love them :)
I hope the traffic comes here instead of my old blog as I'll be posting 3 times a week here now instead! I hope this doesn't cause much confusion!
Sorry for such a short blog but hope you all understand!
So its a Tuesday night and I’m feeling pretty numb and hopeless as usual. I’ll masturbate at night, then have my last smoke of the day then go to bed and put on music, feeling depressed and numb in my usual routine. Not brushing my teeth or washing my face before bed.
I have the train tomorrow to my ASD group. But for now I’m feeling really low and I always put myself into these moods and not helping it at all with sad songs. It just feels necessary for this mood.
I feel really suicidal especially at night because it gives me so much time to think and stare at the ceiling and night time is when I post a new blog in hope somebody reaches out to talk to me. I think night is the worst for me because I have no distractions, I’m tired but that doesn’t stop me from overthinking, in fact I feel that fatigue makes it worse.
I hope your day is going much better than mine guys!
Don’t hesitate to contact me if you have questions or your feeling lonely just comment below or email me here
It's Monday, the start of the week for most of us. A fresh start to do things new or differently. This week will be the same as last week and the week before that. Counselling on a Tuesday, the train to my group on Wednesday, group on Thursday, Maths on Friday.
I really dislike repetitive things like this, It makes me want to end it. I get suicidal doing the same things over and over, I'm not sure why I relate it to suicide but I do for some reason anyways. It's pretty strange how my brain connects them and thinks that suicide is the only way out for me. That's not true however.
I'm really looking forward to Wednesday so i can get the train, it's relaxing when I read my book and have a coffee on the train to see my friends in the mental health group I attend on Wednesday morning. I do get lonely quite a lot especially on the train because of the isolation and my social anxiety doesn't allow me to talk to others very much.
Monday is really hopeless for me because I feel that I don't have enough strength and motivation to get through the week itself. However taking each day as it comes is good enough and works for me.
Side note: my new beanie arrives in the mail tomorrow so I'm pretty excited for that! (slight beanie obsession)
Hope your week is going well, I'm always an email away or you can comment below to let me know how your week is currently going!
Who Am I?
I’m a 18 year old male that suffers from various mental illnesses. I created this blog to help me get things off my chest and to help others feel less alone in their battles.