Relapse

A few days ago I relapsed, not on drugs or alchohol. But on self harm. Slicing my skin apart with a cheap piece of metal. It felt so good and I felt so relieved after it honestly. However, I feel ashamed for doing so. Why did I have to relapse? Why couldn't I continue doing well without hurting myself? Why do I get that urge? All these questions running through my mind, it actually drives me to hurt myself more now. I'm getting back into it now and that makes me so guilty. I was doing so so well, it's like a diet. If you eat healthy and then go and eat so many fatty foods, you'll feel guilty. That's kind of what happened to me. I did well without it and then now I relapsed and I feel ashamed about it. Now I'm sitting in my room wallowing in my own guilt and shame.  I feel so disgusting for doing all of this, it's just a mess. Last night I had a dream about trying to kill myself involving a train, I didn't manage to die in the dream either, maybe it's a sign? Maybe it's a load of crap. Who knows.

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