I'm sick of feeling this way

This post contains content which may be triggering to some readers.

I've got overnight pass from hospital so I can go home and do things. I'm so tempted to go to the train tracks and end it all for good. I don't know why I'm still fucking here. I want to die and finish it!! I want to hang myself from the pole above the train tracks. Just jump the several feet and snap my neck. Oh how I'd love to do that I really want to. Or just slice my arms open with some broken glass. I want to get stitches and scars. I want to fuck my body up like the disgusting body I have. I deserve pain and death. I'd love to bleed out with blood everywhere. I want to see the fat fall out of me. Hands and arms trembling. I want to die of the shock. It would be so fucking painful but it's better than dealing with flashbacks and critical thoughts and constant emptiness that consumes me like a walking corpse. Who the fuck spends their teenage years in a psychiatric hospital?! I don't want this. I want death and pain. Recovery isn't for everyone. Depression kills.